I knew this woman. We were both married. She really wanted to have sex, but I didn’t. One time we were on a business trip together and got a bit drunk and it happened. The next morning she was quite pleased. I had terrible regrets. I told my wife and we ended up divorced. I never said I wanted to have sex, but she says I never told her to stop. I was too drunk to remember. Did she rape me? Maybe I can just say she raped me. She is very rich and powerful now. It was only 20 years ago.
In all honesty, this didn’t happen to me, but it does happen. Does it matter that its the man with regrets?
My point here is not to make this about men too. It is to illustrate that it depends on your perspective. Rape or not rape is not so black and white all the time as the author demonstrates with herself. But, there are some ways to keep it out of the grey area.
There are really two issues discussed here. One is consent and the other is alcohol.
Where alcohol consumption is enough to impair someone’s judgment, don’t have sex unless you are established, sexual partners. Simple as that. I’ve known women who have been very drunk and told me they want sex and I’m the one who said, “maybe when you’re sober”. It isn’t easy to say, but I have been thanked later. If someone is incapacitated and you have sex with them, you have something in common with Bill Cosby.
Consent should work like this. When either party does not want to have sex, they have the responsibility to indicate that they don’t. If subtle clues don’t work, then saying “no” or “stop” out loud may be necessary. If it continues past that point, it is rape. This, of course, presumes the person has the capacity to say “stop”. If not, apply the alcohol rule. No matter how far you have gone up to that point, stop means stop. But, you don’t need her to say, “Yes, you can put your dick in me. Where do I sign?”
I don’t think it is right that if some small percent of women want to be verbally asked for sex that they should spoil sex for the majority of women who don’t want to be asked like that.
One last point. Where the author was raped or not, let’s all agree this is pretty risky behavior. I’m not victim-blaming. I’m concerned about women’s safety. Sexual encounters is one example where men and women are equal, but not the same.